How Do I Address Concerns With My Partner?

Recently, a spouse asked for guidance on how to address concerns with her partner. She has been hesitant to bring up these concerns because she didn't want her partner to feel blamed or criticized. 

So - what's the best course of action here? 

Allow me to share my tips on addressing concerns with your partner in the healthiest way possible: 

1. Time it right. 

The best time to approach your partner and highlight a concern is when you're both feeling calm. 

Life can be chaotic, especially when you're both working and trying to help take care of the house and kids. Sometimes finding a moment of calm can be tough, so you might need to get creative. How can you and your partner carve out intentional time to connect each day? 

Take it a step further and check in with your partner to see if they're mentally and emotionally available to have a conversation. No one likes to be blindsided by a tough conversation, but when you sort of test the waters and check to see how your partner is doing, they might be more receptive to engaging in a conversation. "Hey, I wanted to check in with you to see if you had a few minutes to talk about that fight we had this morning - would now be a good time?" If your partner needs some space to decompress or calm down, that's ok and should be respected. Express your understanding, while letting your partner know this is important and you would like to address the concern soon. 

Need help learning how to gently approach a tough conversation? Check out this information on now to soften your start up: A Gentler, Softer Approach

2. Make sure you're expressing a complaint and not a criticism. 

A criticism is a global expression of negative opinions about a person's character or personality. It might sound like this: "You're soooo lazy! You never help out!" 

Ouch. 

A complaint focuses on a specific event and is made of 3 parts. 
I feel (emotion) about (specific event) and here's what I'd like/need instead (state preference/need). 

Here are some examples: 

"I hate when you yell at me, you're so condescending!" 
"I feel angry when spoken to in that manner. I'd prefer you share your concerns in a calmer way." 

"Why don't you ever answer your phone? I can never get a hold of you!"
"I feel lonely when we go too long without talking. I'd like if we could carve out time to connect." 

"All you do is sit on the couch and watch tv. You never help around the house!"
"I feel resentful when I'm the only one cleaning the house. I'd prefer if we could tackle this together." 

Notice the difference? A criticism is very judgmental and accusatory; whereas, a complaint focuses on an event and how a person has been impacted. When trying to communicate with your partner, it's important to try to eliminate criticism, blame, and judgement. Why? Because you want your partner to hear your message. They can't hear you if they're busy trying to defend themselves from an attack. 

If you'd like to read more about how to express a concern rather than a criticism, click here: Express Concerns, NOT Criticism

3. Own how you feel about the situation 

Taking ownership of how you feel about a situation helps to eliminate blame because the focus is on YOU and not what your partner is (or isn't) doing. It's important to use "I" statements to help get the message across. Not sure how or what you're feeling? Check out this Feelings Wheel: What Am I Feeling?

The first step is to identify how you're feeling (see: Feelings Wheel). The second step is to clearly express how you're feeling, in a way that takes ownership without blaming or criticizing your partner. 


If you're having difficulty implementing these skills, or need additional guidance, reach out to Laura: Contact For More Help

Sending & Receiving Messages

We all want to be heard and understood. But are we sending messages that can actually be received? 

How you share your message determines how and if it can be received by your partner. 

As you can see from this diagram, the way in your partner responds, depends a great deal on how your share your message. Typically, how you start off a conversation will determine how it will end. 

Notice what happens when you start off a conversation by blaming, criticizing, or judging your partner? They can't even hear what you're saying because they're too focused on defending themselves and going on the offense. Not only are you NOT being heard, but now you're under attack as well. 

Now notice what happens when you approach your partner in a calm and respectful manner. They'll likely be much more receptive to what you have to say. You want them to hear you because what you have to say is valid and important. Now they can actually hear you because there's no need for them to defend themselves from your attack. When you approach your partner in a loving way, there's a good chance they'll reciprocate. 

If you feel like your relationship is being poisoned by criticism, blame, defensiveness, judgement, and more - don't worry! There's an antidote for that: We Need The Antidote!

Reading about these skills is one thing, but implementing them is a whole other ballgame. Need help playing by the rules? I can assist! Check out my services for couples: Laura's Services For Couples