Over the weekend, I attended a community action group meeting called "Bridging the Gap." It's a working group comprised of elected officials, community leaders, parents, and citizens of the City of Mountain Home, with the purpose of addressing how mental health is addressed in the community, especially with regards to our City's youth. I was asked to give a presentation, and I chose to focus on how parents can deepen the connection they have with their kids and foster healthier communication (especially listening skills and validation). If you weren't able to attend in person, please feel free to check out my slides: Community Presentation

I was blown away by the overwhelmingly positive feedback I received! Thank you so much to everyone who was in attendance and to everyone who has since reached out asking for additional information. 

I would like to continue to offer presentations around the community, so please reach out if you would like me to put together a presentation on a mental health related topic. I can come to your office, classroom, luncheon, etc. While my area of specialization is on couples and communication, I am more than happy to address additional topics. 

Reach out so we can put together an event: Talk to Laura

Sending & Receiving Messages

We all want to be heard and understood. But are we sending messages that can actually be received? 

How you share your message determines how and if it can be received by your partner. 

As you can see from this diagram, the way in your partner responds, depends a great deal on how your share your message. Typically, how you start off a conversation will determine how it will end. 

Notice what happens when you start off a conversation by blaming, criticizing, or judging your partner? They can't even hear what you're saying because they're too focused on defending themselves and going on the offense. Not only are you NOT being heard, but now you're under attack as well. 

Now notice what happens when you approach your partner in a calm and respectful manner. They'll likely be much more receptive to what you have to say. You want them to hear you because what you have to say is valid and important. Now they can actually hear you because there's no need for them to defend themselves from your attack. When you approach your partner in a loving way, there's a good chance they'll reciprocate. 

If you feel like your relationship is being poisoned by criticism, blame, defensiveness, judgement, and more - don't worry! There's an antidote for that: We Need The Antidote!

Reading about these skills is one thing, but implementing them is a whole other ballgame. Need help playing by the rules? I can assist! Check out my services for couples: Laura's Services For Couples

A Book For Couples

As a licensed mental health provider, one of my passions is working with couples; especially, couples who struggle with communication. I've pursued a lot of advanced specialty training in couples work, to include Gottman Level 1 & Level 2. In between sessions, I'll often recommend a book called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman (find it here: Gottman Book). 

Dr. Gottman is a leading relationship expert and the foundation of his book is based on decades of scientific research, conducted on real couples, in a "Love Lab" at the University of Washington. What I love about this book is that it provides practical advice in an easy-to-understand way. It also offers exercises and examples to help build upon communication skills. Here are some of the most important, (and my favorite), topics covered in the book: 

- repair attempts                          - the soft start up

- criticism vs complaint                - validation 

- the 4 horsemen                         

And to top it all off, there are multiple chapters on how to navigate solvable vs perpetual problems, as well as information on what do to when there is gridlock between both partners. 

Want to learn how to eliminate the 4 horseman? Read about the antidotes here: I Need The Antidote!

The above-mentioned concepts are topics that I see ALL. THE. TIME in my couples counseling sessions. I'll tell you how it typically goes: 

Partner A: Oh my God! I can't believe you did it again - you NEVER help me clean the house! You make me feel like a servant and I'm sick of you not pitching in! 

Partner B: I just came home and sat down for 2 minutes - you are always yelling at me about something I didn't do! All you do is nag me! 

Partner A: Are you serious? I'm drowning in housework and I need your help! 

Partner B: shakes head and looks away, completely disengaging

Partner A: continues angrily mumbling before the tears start 

Ok, so there is A LOT to unpack here, but I'll give you the basics. First, instead of a soft start up, Partner A immediately jumped into blaming, criticizing, and accusing, which are relationship killers. Second, Partner B instantly became defensive. Yes, Partner B was definitely under attack; however, they didn't stop to examine WHY their partner was upset. Instead, Partner B not only disengaged, but invalidated their partner. As a result, both partners are unhappy, disconnected, and this pattern of interaction will likely continue. 

But . . . it doesn't have to be like this.

Here's how Partner A and Partner B engage after I helped them learn healthier ways of interacting: 

Partner A: Hey, I know you just got home, but there is something I really want to talk about with you. 

Partner B: Yeah, I did have a long day, but I want to hear about what's bothering you. Let's talk now. 

Partner A: Ok, well lately I feel overwhelmed with all the household tasks. I've noticed I'm starting to feel resentful and angry. 

Partner B: Geez, that must not feel good. What do you need from me? 

Partner A: I feel resentful because I am doing too much, which leads to me feeling burnt out. I would like for you to start by loading the dishwasher after dinner. Just that one small task would help me so much. 

Partner B: I don't want you to feel resentful - I am so appreciative of all you do. I can definitely pitch in a lot more, especially in the kitchen. Thanks for letting me know. 

I mean, talk about a HUGE difference in communicating, right? Partner A was calm, even though they were feeling very hurt and upset. Partner A used a soft start up by approaching Partner B and checking in to see if they could talk. Notice that Partner A didn't start blaming, accusing, or criticizing. Instead, Partner A owned those feelings and clearly communicated them. As a result, Partner B was WAY more receptive. Because Partner B wasn't being blamed, accused, or criticized, they were able to actually hear what their partner was saying. Instead of becoming defensive, Partner B leaned into Partner A and not only offered validation, but also offered help. 

This isn't a fairytale. Couples learn these skills every day, and so can you! If you're curious about working with me for couples counseling, check out the couples services I offer: Laura's Services for Couples

Still have questions? Get in touch: Contact Laura