Dr. Gottman is a leading relationship expert and the foundation of his book is based on decades of scientific research, conducted on real couples, in a "Love Lab" at the University of Washington. What I love about this book is that it provides practical advice in an easy-to-understand way. It also offers exercises and examples to help build upon communication skills. Here are some of the most important, (and my favorite), topics covered in the book:- repair attempts - the soft start up- criticism vs complaint - validation- the 4 horsemenAnd to top it all off, there are multiple chapters on how to navigate solvable vs perpetual problems, as well as information on what do to when there is gridlock between both partners.Want to learn how to eliminate the 4 horseman? Read about the antidotes here: I Need The Antidote!The above-mentioned concepts are topics that I see ALL. THE. TIME in my couples counseling sessions. I'll tell you how it typically goes:Partner A: Oh my God! I can't believe you did it again - you NEVER help me clean the house! You make me feel like a servant and I'm sick of you not pitching in!Partner B: I just came home and sat down for 2 minutes - you are always yelling at me about something I didn't do! All you do is nag me!Partner A: Are you serious? I'm drowning in housework and I need your help!Partner B: shakes head and looks away, completely disengagingPartner A: continues angrily mumbling before the tears startOk, so there is A LOT to unpack here, but I'll give you the basics. First, instead of a soft start up, Partner A immediately jumped into blaming, criticizing, and accusing, which are relationship killers. Second, Partner B instantly became defensive. Yes, Partner B was definitely under attack; however, they didn't stop to examine WHY their partner was upset. Instead, Partner B not only disengaged, but invalidated their partner. As a result, both partners are unhappy, disconnected, and this pattern of interaction will likely continue.But . . . it doesn't have to be like this.Here's how Partner A and Partner B engage after I helped them learn healthier ways of interacting:Partner A: Hey, I know you just got home, but there is something I really want to talk about with you.Partner B: Yeah, I did have a long day, but I want to hear about what's bothering you. Let's talk now.Partner A: Ok, well lately I feel overwhelmed with all the household tasks. I've noticed I'm starting to feel resentful and angry.Partner B: Geez, that must not feel good. What do you need from me?Partner A: I feel resentful because I am doing too much, which leads to me feeling burnt out. I would like for you to start by loading the dishwasher after dinner. Just that one small task would help me so much.Partner B: I don't want you to feel resentful - I am so appreciative of all you do. I can definitely pitch in a lot more, especially in the kitchen. Thanks for letting me know.I mean, talk about a HUGE difference in communicating, right? Partner A was calm, even though they were feeling very hurt and upset. Partner A used a soft start up by approaching Partner B and checking in to see if they could talk. Notice that Partner A didn't start blaming, accusing, or criticizing. Instead, Partner A owned those feelings and clearly communicated them. As a result, Partner B was WAY more receptive. Because Partner B wasn't being blamed, accused, or criticized, they were able to actually hear what their partner was saying. Instead of becoming defensive, Partner B leaned into Partner A and not only offered validation, but also offered help.This isn't a fairytale. Couples learn these skills every day, and so can you! If you're curious about working with me for couples counseling, check out the couples services I offer: Laura's Services for Couples
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