Why Do We Get Defensive?

Before we can reflect on how or why we're behaving a certain way, we first need to become aware that it's even happening. But how will we know unless someone points it out? And let's be honest: how they point it out impacts how receptive we are to this information. No one likes to be criticized or blamed, right? 

If you need help learning how to approach your partner to talk about concerns, check this out: 

A Gentler Approach

Can we accept feedback from our partner about our behavior? 

Are we willing to acknowledge it's happening? 

What steps can we take to make improvements in how we respond? 

Listen, it's not always easy to examine our own behaviors to see where improvements can be made. In fact, that's why defensiveness is such a common occurrence. During my work with couples, we're constantly exploring and addressing defensiveness. So the big question is . . . 

"Why do we get so defensive?" 

Defensiveness is a signal, not necessarily a problem. If we take defensiveness at face value, it seems like a barrier to communication, almost like it's blocking any productive conversations. But in reality, it is a signal that something doesn't feel safe, so we need to protect ourselves. This is why defensiveness is considered a protective mechanism. 

Your nervous system activates when there is a threat, real or perceived. Did you know that your brain can't tell the difference between a real threat and a perceived threat? The amygdala's job is to quickly identify threats and initiate a response, which is where that fight or flight response comes from. The problem? The amygdala doesn't do a great job of determining whether the threat is real (actual danger) or perceived. 

Defensiveness happens when we are threatened emotionally by our partner's criticisms or judgement. If we were to perceive criticism or judgement as "I'm not good enough," then it's natural for us to protect ourselves, either through deflection, counter criticism, or excuses. We protect ourselves because feeling inadequate definitely doesn't feel good. No one wants to feel like a failure in their partner's eyes. It can lead to low self-worth or low self-esteem, and even shame. So rather than sitting with those uncomfortable feelings, we get defensive. 

But here is the deal - defensiveness focuses on the delivery and not the message. When we're so busy attending to how something is said, we miss out on why it's being shared. This is why it's so very important to make sure you're sending clear, direct, and respectful messages that your partner can receive. I created an entire separate blog post with some great infographics on sending and receiving messages here: How To Send A Clear Message

Don't let defensiveness poison your relationship - there is an antidote! It is possible to have productive conversations where you both feel heard and understood. First of all, you can check out this book: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Second, you can get in touch with me and we can work together to eliminate the cycle of defensiveness: Contact Laura

Sending & Receiving Messages

We all want to be heard and understood. But are we sending messages that can actually be received? 

How you share your message determines how and if it can be received by your partner. 

As you can see from this diagram, the way in your partner responds, depends a great deal on how your share your message. Typically, how you start off a conversation will determine how it will end. 

Notice what happens when you start off a conversation by blaming, criticizing, or judging your partner? They can't even hear what you're saying because they're too focused on defending themselves and going on the offense. Not only are you NOT being heard, but now you're under attack as well. 

Now notice what happens when you approach your partner in a calm and respectful manner. They'll likely be much more receptive to what you have to say. You want them to hear you because what you have to say is valid and important. Now they can actually hear you because there's no need for them to defend themselves from your attack. When you approach your partner in a loving way, there's a good chance they'll reciprocate. 

If you feel like your relationship is being poisoned by criticism, blame, defensiveness, judgement, and more - don't worry! There's an antidote for that: We Need The Antidote!

Reading about these skills is one thing, but implementing them is a whole other ballgame. Need help playing by the rules? I can assist! Check out my services for couples: Laura's Services For Couples