Why Do We Get Defensive?

Before we can reflect on how or why we're behaving a certain way, we first need to become aware that it's even happening. But how will we know unless someone points it out? And let's be honest: how they point it out impacts how receptive we are to this information. No one likes to be criticized or blamed, right? 

If you need help learning how to approach your partner to talk about concerns, check this out: 

A Gentler Approach

Can we accept feedback from our partner about our behavior? 

Are we willing to acknowledge it's happening? 

What steps can we take to make improvements in how we respond? 

Listen, it's not always easy to examine our own behaviors to see where improvements can be made. In fact, that's why defensiveness is such a common occurrence. During my work with couples, we're constantly exploring and addressing defensiveness. So the big question is . . . 

"Why do we get so defensive?" 

Defensiveness is a signal, not necessarily a problem. If we take defensiveness at face value, it seems like a barrier to communication, almost like it's blocking any productive conversations. But in reality, it is a signal that something doesn't feel safe, so we need to protect ourselves. This is why defensiveness is considered a protective mechanism. 

Your nervous system activates when there is a threat, real or perceived. Did you know that your brain can't tell the difference between a real threat and a perceived threat? The amygdala's job is to quickly identify threats and initiate a response, which is where that fight or flight response comes from. The problem? The amygdala doesn't do a great job of determining whether the threat is real (actual danger) or perceived. 

Defensiveness happens when we are threatened emotionally by our partner's criticisms or judgement. If we were to perceive criticism or judgement as "I'm not good enough," then it's natural for us to protect ourselves, either through deflection, counter criticism, or excuses. We protect ourselves because feeling inadequate definitely doesn't feel good. No one wants to feel like a failure in their partner's eyes. It can lead to low self-worth or low self-esteem, and even shame. So rather than sitting with those uncomfortable feelings, we get defensive. 

But here is the deal - defensiveness focuses on the delivery and not the message. When we're so busy attending to how something is said, we miss out on why it's being shared. This is why it's so very important to make sure you're sending clear, direct, and respectful messages that your partner can receive. I created an entire separate blog post with some great infographics on sending and receiving messages here: How To Send A Clear Message

Don't let defensiveness poison your relationship - there is an antidote! It is possible to have productive conversations where you both feel heard and understood. First of all, you can check out this book: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Second, you can get in touch with me and we can work together to eliminate the cycle of defensiveness: Contact Laura

How Do I Address Concerns With My Partner?

Recently, a spouse asked for guidance on how to address concerns with her partner. She has been hesitant to bring up these concerns because she didn't want her partner to feel blamed or criticized. 

So - what's the best course of action here? 

Allow me to share my tips on addressing concerns with your partner in the healthiest way possible: 

1. Time it right. 

The best time to approach your partner and highlight a concern is when you're both feeling calm. 

Life can be chaotic, especially when you're both working and trying to help take care of the house and kids. Sometimes finding a moment of calm can be tough, so you might need to get creative. How can you and your partner carve out intentional time to connect each day? 

Take it a step further and check in with your partner to see if they're mentally and emotionally available to have a conversation. No one likes to be blindsided by a tough conversation, but when you sort of test the waters and check to see how your partner is doing, they might be more receptive to engaging in a conversation. "Hey, I wanted to check in with you to see if you had a few minutes to talk about that fight we had this morning - would now be a good time?" If your partner needs some space to decompress or calm down, that's ok and should be respected. Express your understanding, while letting your partner know this is important and you would like to address the concern soon. 

Need help learning how to gently approach a tough conversation? Check out this information on now to soften your start up: A Gentler, Softer Approach

2. Make sure you're expressing a complaint and not a criticism. 

A criticism is a global expression of negative opinions about a person's character or personality. It might sound like this: "You're soooo lazy! You never help out!" 

Ouch. 

A complaint focuses on a specific event and is made of 3 parts. 
I feel (emotion) about (specific event) and here's what I'd like/need instead (state preference/need). 

Here are some examples: 

"I hate when you yell at me, you're so condescending!" 
"I feel angry when spoken to in that manner. I'd prefer you share your concerns in a calmer way." 

"Why don't you ever answer your phone? I can never get a hold of you!"
"I feel lonely when we go too long without talking. I'd like if we could carve out time to connect." 

"All you do is sit on the couch and watch tv. You never help around the house!"
"I feel resentful when I'm the only one cleaning the house. I'd prefer if we could tackle this together." 

Notice the difference? A criticism is very judgmental and accusatory; whereas, a complaint focuses on an event and how a person has been impacted. When trying to communicate with your partner, it's important to try to eliminate criticism, blame, and judgement. Why? Because you want your partner to hear your message. They can't hear you if they're busy trying to defend themselves from an attack. 

If you'd like to read more about how to express a concern rather than a criticism, click here: Express Concerns, NOT Criticism

3. Own how you feel about the situation 

Taking ownership of how you feel about a situation helps to eliminate blame because the focus is on YOU and not what your partner is (or isn't) doing. It's important to use "I" statements to help get the message across. Not sure how or what you're feeling? Check out this Feelings Wheel: What Am I Feeling?

The first step is to identify how you're feeling (see: Feelings Wheel). The second step is to clearly express how you're feeling, in a way that takes ownership without blaming or criticizing your partner. 


If you're having difficulty implementing these skills, or need additional guidance, reach out to Laura: Contact For More Help

Relationships - They're Just Like Cars

If you think about it, relationships are like cars.

When you first get a car it's shiny, new, and exciting. And over time, it requires periodic maintenance to make sure it's operating well. You have to check various levels and fill up the tank on a regular basis. Sometimes, you might hit a rough patch or be faced with unexpected roadblocks. If you just coast and ignore the warning signs on the dashboard, your car will eventually stop working and fall apart. It will be harder (and more expensive) to get it to the dealership to have things fixed or replaced. And if there is too much damage, you might need a new car altogether. 

The same goes for a relationship. Believe it or not, relationships take intentional work. You need to constantly monitor and evaluate how things are going. You need to check in with your partner on a regular basis. You need to fill your partner's love tank from time to time so neither of you is running on empty. You may encounter unexpected life stressors or transitions that you'll need to navigate together. You'll need to keep an eye out for warning signs and make sure you do some preventative maintenance. If not, your relationship will start to malfunction and fall apart. 

If you've started to notice that things in your relationship aren't as healthy or effective as they used to be, reach out to Laura for a relationship check-up (Click here to learn about the services Laura offers for couples: Relationship Counseling). If you wait until the point where the relationship is about to fall apart, it's going to be harder (and more expensive) to get things back on track. 

It's a lot easier to prevent problems now rather than fix problems later. 

Laura specializes in working with couples who are motivated to do the work and restore their relationships. We call it work because that's what it takes. Each partner has to be willing to examine how their own behaviors might be negatively impacting the relationship. Furthermore, they have to acknowledge those behaviors and make a commitment to implement change. Each partner has to actively practice new skills each and every day. But do you know what happens when you put in the work? You reap the benefits and experience a deeper level of relationship satisfaction. 

A Boutique-Style Approach to Therapy

What comes to mind when you hear the word "boutique?" We've heard of boutique stores and maybe even boutique hotels, but how does that apply to the way Laura provides therapy?

A boutique-style approach to therapy emphasizes providing a higher-quality of personalized care in a warm and aesthetically pleasing environment. 

410 South Orchard Street - Suite 232 (Boise)

Clients receive treatment that is specifically tailored to their needs. There is no one-size-fits-all approach, which is typically seen at larger-scale facilities. Laura dedicates intentional time getting to know each of her clients on a deeper level, allowing for customized care and attention. In fact, Laura intentionally limits how many clients she sees, ensuring each client receives the highest quality of care. 

Clients have direct access to Laura - there is no separate scheduler to call and leave a message with. When clients leave a voicemail, Laura calls back within 24 hours or less. If clients send a text or email, they'll speak directly with Laura. There is no middleman. Laura prides herself on being accessible and responsive to each of her clients. In fact, Laura also offers a concierge-style approach to therapy with her clients. If clients reach out to Laura asking for a session, she will often be able to offer same-day appointments. There is never a wait list - when new clients reach out and request an appointment, they can be seen in 48 business hours or less. Clients can reach out to Laura between 7 am - 7 pm, 7 days a week. 

Clients will appreciate Laura's genuine and inviting nature, as well as the tranquil office atmosphere. Multiple large windows allow natural light to flow into the space, adding warmth and natural healing. Laura takes added steps to ensure client privacy through the use of multiple sound machines. Clients benefit from calming comfort in a space that feels both private and welcoming, without ever feeling too clinical. Laura can offer a selection of hot tea, or clients are welcome to bring their beverage of choice. 

You might benefit from this boutique-style approach to therapy, if you: 

- value having a deep and trusting relationship with a clinician who offers personalized care

- place a high priority on discretion and confidentiality in your healing journey

- desire to work with a clinician who operates within the highest level of ethical principles and engages 

  in constant refinement of skills and continuing education 

- are willing to invest in your mental and emotional wellness to achieve greater satisfaction

- appreciate high-quality care in an elevated environment that is focused on your needs

Ready to come to the office? Check it out here: Boise Office

And remember, all potential new clients receive a complimentary, no obligation consultation phone call. If you'd like to schedule a time to talk to Laura, fill out a form here: Request a Consultation

Or, you're always welcome to call/text 609-808-4010

Send Laura an email: laura@mentalhealthprovider.org - she'd love to hear from you! 

Over the weekend, I attended a community action group meeting called "Bridging the Gap." It's a working group comprised of elected officials, community leaders, parents, and citizens of the City of Mountain Home, with the purpose of addressing how mental health is addressed in the community, especially with regards to our City's youth. I was asked to give a presentation, and I chose to focus on how parents can deepen the connection they have with their kids and foster healthier communication (especially listening skills and validation). If you weren't able to attend in person, please feel free to check out my slides: Community Presentation

I was blown away by the overwhelmingly positive feedback I received! Thank you so much to everyone who was in attendance and to everyone who has since reached out asking for additional information. 

I would like to continue to offer presentations around the community, so please reach out if you would like me to put together a presentation on a mental health related topic. I can come to your office, classroom, luncheon, etc. While my area of specialization is on couples and communication, I am more than happy to address additional topics. 

Reach out so we can put together an event: Talk to Laura

In-Person Appointments in Boise, ID

So many offerings becoming available in 2025! While I'm very much looking forward to the warmer Idaho months so I can engage clients in Walk and Talk Therapy, I'm even more excited about my new office location in Boise! 

Here's a sneak peek - 

Conveniently located on the Boise Bench, inside the Orchard Office Park. An easy 15-minute drive from Meridian and a quick 10-minute drive from Downtown Boise - talk about easy access! 

The best part? In-person appointments begin Friday January 17 - no lengthy wait list! 

But . . . since in-person sessions are only available on Fridays, appointments are limited and will fill up quick. As of today, I only have 5 appointments remaining, so don't delay! 

Don't miss this exclusive offering! 

Are you curious about the services I offer? Check out my website: Laura's Website

I share information about individual counseling, couples counseling, pricing, and more

Ready to get started? Send me an email: laura@mentalhealthprovider.org

Remember: all potential new clients are offered a no obligation, free 15-minute consultation call 

Sending & Receiving Messages

We all want to be heard and understood. But are we sending messages that can actually be received? 

How you share your message determines how and if it can be received by your partner. 

As you can see from this diagram, the way in your partner responds, depends a great deal on how your share your message. Typically, how you start off a conversation will determine how it will end. 

Notice what happens when you start off a conversation by blaming, criticizing, or judging your partner? They can't even hear what you're saying because they're too focused on defending themselves and going on the offense. Not only are you NOT being heard, but now you're under attack as well. 

Now notice what happens when you approach your partner in a calm and respectful manner. They'll likely be much more receptive to what you have to say. You want them to hear you because what you have to say is valid and important. Now they can actually hear you because there's no need for them to defend themselves from your attack. When you approach your partner in a loving way, there's a good chance they'll reciprocate. 

If you feel like your relationship is being poisoned by criticism, blame, defensiveness, judgement, and more - don't worry! There's an antidote for that: We Need The Antidote!

Reading about these skills is one thing, but implementing them is a whole other ballgame. Need help playing by the rules? I can assist! Check out my services for couples: Laura's Services For Couples