A Book For Couples

As a licensed mental health provider, one of my passions is working with couples; especially, couples who struggle with communication. I've pursued a lot of advanced specialty training in couples work, to include Gottman Level 1 & Level 2. In between sessions, I'll often recommend a book called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman (find it here: Gottman Book). 

Dr. Gottman is a leading relationship expert and the foundation of his book is based on decades of scientific research, conducted on real couples, in a "Love Lab" at the University of Washington. What I love about this book is that it provides practical advice in an easy-to-understand way. It also offers exercises and examples to help build upon communication skills. Here are some of the most important, (and my favorite), topics covered in the book: 

- repair attempts                          - the soft start up

- criticism vs complaint                - validation 

- the 4 horsemen                         

And to top it all off, there are multiple chapters on how to navigate solvable vs perpetual problems, as well as information on what do to when there is gridlock between both partners. 

Want to learn how to eliminate the 4 horseman? Read about the antidotes here: I Need The Antidote!

The above-mentioned concepts are topics that I see ALL. THE. TIME in my couples counseling sessions. I'll tell you how it typically goes: 

Partner A: Oh my God! I can't believe you did it again - you NEVER help me clean the house! You make me feel like a servant and I'm sick of you not pitching in! 

Partner B: I just came home and sat down for 2 minutes - you are always yelling at me about something I didn't do! All you do is nag me! 

Partner A: Are you serious? I'm drowning in housework and I need your help! 

Partner B: shakes head and looks away, completely disengaging

Partner A: continues angrily mumbling before the tears start 

Ok, so there is A LOT to unpack here, but I'll give you the basics. First, instead of a soft start up, Partner A immediately jumped into blaming, criticizing, and accusing, which are relationship killers. Second, Partner B instantly became defensive. Yes, Partner B was definitely under attack; however, they didn't stop to examine WHY their partner was upset. Instead, Partner B not only disengaged, but invalidated their partner. As a result, both partners are unhappy, disconnected, and this pattern of interaction will likely continue. 

But . . . it doesn't have to be like this.

Here's how Partner A and Partner B engage after I helped them learn healthier ways of interacting: 

Partner A: Hey, I know you just got home, but there is something I really want to talk about with you. 

Partner B: Yeah, I did have a long day, but I want to hear about what's bothering you. Let's talk now. 

Partner A: Ok, well lately I feel overwhelmed with all the household tasks. I've noticed I'm starting to feel resentful and angry. 

Partner B: Geez, that must not feel good. What do you need from me? 

Partner A: I feel resentful because I am doing too much, which leads to me feeling burnt out. I would like for you to start by loading the dishwasher after dinner. Just that one small task would help me so much. 

Partner B: I don't want you to feel resentful - I am so appreciative of all you do. I can definitely pitch in a lot more, especially in the kitchen. Thanks for letting me know. 

I mean, talk about a HUGE difference in communicating, right? Partner A was calm, even though they were feeling very hurt and upset. Partner A used a soft start up by approaching Partner B and checking in to see if they could talk. Notice that Partner A didn't start blaming, accusing, or criticizing. Instead, Partner A owned those feelings and clearly communicated them. As a result, Partner B was WAY more receptive. Because Partner B wasn't being blamed, accused, or criticized, they were able to actually hear what their partner was saying. Instead of becoming defensive, Partner B leaned into Partner A and not only offered validation, but also offered help. 

This isn't a fairytale. Couples learn these skills every day, and so can you! If you're curious about working with me for couples counseling, check out the couples services I offer: Laura's Services for Couples

Still have questions? Get in touch: Contact Laura 

A New Beginning

The Beginning of a Better Year

Well folks, we made it. I know 2024 had its ups and downs, but this year . . . this year is going to be better!

I know a lot of people like to make New Years Resolutions, which is great! Let's just make sure we set realistic and sustainable mental health goals. Can we make a commitment to offer ourselves self-compassion when progress is slow? I think it's in our nature to want to see the positive effects of change immediately. When we don't, we start to feel discouraged, like we want to give up. Remember: change happens slowly and purposefully, in the small but consistent ways that support positive change. Don't forget to celebrate those wins! It helps keep you motivated so you can maintain that momentum and reach your goals. 

The best types of goals are SMART goals. These types of goals are specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and time-bound. Do you need help setting a SMART goal? Check out this planning tool: SMART Goal Worksheet. Do you need help staying consistent and being held accountable? Does it ever feel like procrastination or perfectionism hinder your progress? Let's connect: talk to Laura. 

Walk & Talk Therapy

Coming Soon to Mountain Home, Idaho - Walk & Talk Therapy! 

As we look forward to the warmer months, I'm thrilled to announce a new service: Walk & Talk Therapy - a unique, nature-integrated approach to counseling. Instead of meeting virtually, we’ll take our sessions outdoors, enjoying the beauty of Mountain Home. During these sessions, we’ll walk side by side, creating a more relaxed environment to explore your thoughts, feelings, and goals.

Benefits of Walk & Talk Therapy: 

1. Enhanced Relaxation & Comfort

Walking outdoors can feel less intimidating than talking face to face virtually, as encouraging openness and ease during our conversations.

2. Boosted Mood and Energy

Movement and fresh air naturally elevate mood, reduce stress, and improve energy levels—creating a positive foundation for personal growth.

3. Mind-Body Connection

Physical activity while engaging in therapy promotes a sense of balance and can deepen emotional insight.

4. Improved Focus and Clarity

The rhythmic motion of walking can help calm the mind, making it easier to process emotions and generate solutions.

5. Connection with Nature

Being outdoors can ground us, providing a soothing backdrop that enhances the therapeutic process.

6. Physical Health Benefits

Walking is great for your body, supporting cardiovascular health and reducing physical tension, which often aligns with emotional well-being.

If Walk & Talk Therapy sounds like the perfect fit for you, let's talk about it! I'll review logistics, ethical considerations, and any questions you may have. 

Take the first step—literally—toward a healthier, more balanced you! 

Contact Laura