How Do I Address Concerns With My Partner?

Recently, a spouse asked for guidance on how to address concerns with her partner. She has been hesitant to bring up these concerns because she didn't want her partner to feel blamed or criticized. 

So - what's the best course of action here? 

Allow me to share my tips on addressing concerns with your partner in the healthiest way possible: 

1. Time it right. 

The best time to approach your partner and highlight a concern is when you're both feeling calm. 

Life can be chaotic, especially when you're both working and trying to help take care of the house and kids. Sometimes finding a moment of calm can be tough, so you might need to get creative. How can you and your partner carve out intentional time to connect each day? 

Take it a step further and check in with your partner to see if they're mentally and emotionally available to have a conversation. No one likes to be blindsided by a tough conversation, but when you sort of test the waters and check to see how your partner is doing, they might be more receptive to engaging in a conversation. "Hey, I wanted to check in with you to see if you had a few minutes to talk about that fight we had this morning - would now be a good time?" If your partner needs some space to decompress or calm down, that's ok and should be respected. Express your understanding, while letting your partner know this is important and you would like to address the concern soon. 

Need help learning how to gently approach a tough conversation? Check out this information on now to soften your start up: A Gentler, Softer Approach

2. Make sure you're expressing a complaint and not a criticism. 

A criticism is a global expression of negative opinions about a person's character or personality. It might sound like this: "You're soooo lazy! You never help out!" 

Ouch. 

A complaint focuses on a specific event and is made of 3 parts. 
I feel (emotion) about (specific event) and here's what I'd like/need instead (state preference/need). 

Here are some examples: 

"I hate when you yell at me, you're so condescending!" 
"I feel angry when spoken to in that manner. I'd prefer you share your concerns in a calmer way." 

"Why don't you ever answer your phone? I can never get a hold of you!"
"I feel lonely when we go too long without talking. I'd like if we could carve out time to connect." 

"All you do is sit on the couch and watch tv. You never help around the house!"
"I feel resentful when I'm the only one cleaning the house. I'd prefer if we could tackle this together." 

Notice the difference? A criticism is very judgmental and accusatory; whereas, a complaint focuses on an event and how a person has been impacted. When trying to communicate with your partner, it's important to try to eliminate criticism, blame, and judgement. Why? Because you want your partner to hear your message. They can't hear you if they're busy trying to defend themselves from an attack. 

If you'd like to read more about how to express a concern rather than a criticism, click here: Express Concerns, NOT Criticism

3. Own how you feel about the situation 

Taking ownership of how you feel about a situation helps to eliminate blame because the focus is on YOU and not what your partner is (or isn't) doing. It's important to use "I" statements to help get the message across. Not sure how or what you're feeling? Check out this Feelings Wheel: What Am I Feeling?

The first step is to identify how you're feeling (see: Feelings Wheel). The second step is to clearly express how you're feeling, in a way that takes ownership without blaming or criticizing your partner. 


If you're having difficulty implementing these skills, or need additional guidance, reach out to Laura: Contact For More Help

Relationships - They're Just Like Cars

If you think about it, relationships are like cars.

When you first get a car it's shiny, new, and exciting. And over time, it requires periodic maintenance to make sure it's operating well. You have to check various levels and fill up the tank on a regular basis. Sometimes, you might hit a rough patch or be faced with unexpected roadblocks. If you just coast and ignore the warning signs on the dashboard, your car will eventually stop working and fall apart. It will be harder (and more expensive) to get it to the dealership to have things fixed or replaced. And if there is too much damage, you might need a new car altogether. 

The same goes for a relationship. Believe it or not, relationships take intentional work. You need to constantly monitor and evaluate how things are going. You need to check in with your partner on a regular basis. You need to fill your partner's love tank from time to time so neither of you is running on empty. You may encounter unexpected life stressors or transitions that you'll need to navigate together. You'll need to keep an eye out for warning signs and make sure you do some preventative maintenance. If not, your relationship will start to malfunction and fall apart. 

If you've started to notice that things in your relationship aren't as healthy or effective as they used to be, reach out to Laura for a relationship check-up (Click here to learn about the services Laura offers for couples: Relationship Counseling). If you wait until the point where the relationship is about to fall apart, it's going to be harder (and more expensive) to get things back on track. 

It's a lot easier to prevent problems now rather than fix problems later. 

Laura specializes in working with couples who are motivated to do the work and restore their relationships. We call it work because that's what it takes. Each partner has to be willing to examine how their own behaviors might be negatively impacting the relationship. Furthermore, they have to acknowledge those behaviors and make a commitment to implement change. Each partner has to actively practice new skills each and every day. But do you know what happens when you put in the work? You reap the benefits and experience a deeper level of relationship satisfaction. 

A Boutique-Style Approach to Therapy

What comes to mind when you hear the word "boutique?" We've heard of boutique stores and maybe even boutique hotels, but how does that apply to the way Laura provides therapy?

A boutique-style approach to therapy emphasizes providing a higher-quality of personalized care in a warm and aesthetically pleasing environment. 

410 South Orchard Street - Suite 232 (Boise)

Clients receive treatment that is specifically tailored to their needs. There is no one-size-fits-all approach, which is typically seen at larger-scale facilities. Laura dedicates intentional time getting to know each of her clients on a deeper level, allowing for customized care and attention. In fact, Laura intentionally limits how many clients she sees, ensuring each client receives the highest quality of care. 

Clients have direct access to Laura - there is no separate scheduler to call and leave a message with. When clients leave a voicemail, Laura calls back within 24 hours or less. If clients send a text or email, they'll speak directly with Laura. There is no middleman. Laura prides herself on being accessible and responsive to each of her clients. In fact, Laura also offers a concierge-style approach to therapy with her clients. If clients reach out to Laura asking for a session, she will often be able to offer same-day appointments. There is never a wait list - when new clients reach out and request an appointment, they can be seen in 48 business hours or less. Clients can reach out to Laura between 7 am - 7 pm, 7 days a week. 

Clients will appreciate Laura's genuine and inviting nature, as well as the tranquil office atmosphere. Multiple large windows allow natural light to flow into the space, adding warmth and natural healing. Laura takes added steps to ensure client privacy through the use of multiple sound machines. Clients benefit from calming comfort in a space that feels both private and welcoming, without ever feeling too clinical. Laura can offer a selection of hot tea, or clients are welcome to bring their beverage of choice. 

You might benefit from this boutique-style approach to therapy, if you: 

- value having a deep and trusting relationship with a clinician who offers personalized care

- place a high priority on discretion and confidentiality in your healing journey

- desire to work with a clinician who operates within the highest level of ethical principles and engages 

  in constant refinement of skills and continuing education 

- are willing to invest in your mental and emotional wellness to achieve greater satisfaction

- appreciate high-quality care in an elevated environment that is focused on your needs

Ready to come to the office? Check it out here: Boise Office

And remember, all potential new clients receive a complimentary, no obligation consultation phone call. If you'd like to schedule a time to talk to Laura, fill out a form here: Request a Consultation

Or, you're always welcome to call/text 609-808-4010

Send Laura an email: laura@mentalhealthprovider.org - she'd love to hear from you! 

Over the weekend, I attended a community action group meeting called "Bridging the Gap." It's a working group comprised of elected officials, community leaders, parents, and citizens of the City of Mountain Home, with the purpose of addressing how mental health is addressed in the community, especially with regards to our City's youth. I was asked to give a presentation, and I chose to focus on how parents can deepen the connection they have with their kids and foster healthier communication (especially listening skills and validation). If you weren't able to attend in person, please feel free to check out my slides: Community Presentation

I was blown away by the overwhelmingly positive feedback I received! Thank you so much to everyone who was in attendance and to everyone who has since reached out asking for additional information. 

I would like to continue to offer presentations around the community, so please reach out if you would like me to put together a presentation on a mental health related topic. I can come to your office, classroom, luncheon, etc. While my area of specialization is on couples and communication, I am more than happy to address additional topics. 

Reach out so we can put together an event: Talk to Laura

In-Person Appointments in Boise, ID

So many offerings becoming available in 2025! While I'm very much looking forward to the warmer Idaho months so I can engage clients in Walk and Talk Therapy, I'm even more excited about my new office location in Boise! 

Here's a sneak peek - 

Conveniently located on the Boise Bench, inside the Orchard Office Park. An easy 15-minute drive from Meridian and a quick 10-minute drive from Downtown Boise - talk about easy access! 

The best part? In-person appointments begin Friday January 17 - no lengthy wait list! 

But . . . since in-person sessions are only available on Fridays, appointments are limited and will fill up quick. As of today, I only have 5 appointments remaining, so don't delay! 

Don't miss this exclusive offering! 

Are you curious about the services I offer? Check out my website: Laura's Website

I share information about individual counseling, couples counseling, pricing, and more

Ready to get started? Send me an email: laura@mentalhealthprovider.org

Remember: all potential new clients are offered a no obligation, free 15-minute consultation call 

Sending & Receiving Messages

We all want to be heard and understood. But are we sending messages that can actually be received? 

How you share your message determines how and if it can be received by your partner. 

As you can see from this diagram, the way in your partner responds, depends a great deal on how your share your message. Typically, how you start off a conversation will determine how it will end. 

Notice what happens when you start off a conversation by blaming, criticizing, or judging your partner? They can't even hear what you're saying because they're too focused on defending themselves and going on the offense. Not only are you NOT being heard, but now you're under attack as well. 

Now notice what happens when you approach your partner in a calm and respectful manner. They'll likely be much more receptive to what you have to say. You want them to hear you because what you have to say is valid and important. Now they can actually hear you because there's no need for them to defend themselves from your attack. When you approach your partner in a loving way, there's a good chance they'll reciprocate. 

If you feel like your relationship is being poisoned by criticism, blame, defensiveness, judgement, and more - don't worry! There's an antidote for that: We Need The Antidote!

Reading about these skills is one thing, but implementing them is a whole other ballgame. Need help playing by the rules? I can assist! Check out my services for couples: Laura's Services For Couples

A Book For Couples

As a licensed mental health provider, one of my passions is working with couples; especially, couples who struggle with communication. I've pursued a lot of advanced specialty training in couples work, to include Gottman Level 1 & Level 2. In between sessions, I'll often recommend a book called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman (find it here: Gottman Book). 

Dr. Gottman is a leading relationship expert and the foundation of his book is based on decades of scientific research, conducted on real couples, in a "Love Lab" at the University of Washington. What I love about this book is that it provides practical advice in an easy-to-understand way. It also offers exercises and examples to help build upon communication skills. Here are some of the most important, (and my favorite), topics covered in the book: 

- repair attempts                          - the soft start up

- criticism vs complaint                - validation 

- the 4 horsemen                         

And to top it all off, there are multiple chapters on how to navigate solvable vs perpetual problems, as well as information on what do to when there is gridlock between both partners. 

Want to learn how to eliminate the 4 horseman? Read about the antidotes here: I Need The Antidote!

The above-mentioned concepts are topics that I see ALL. THE. TIME in my couples counseling sessions. I'll tell you how it typically goes: 

Partner A: Oh my God! I can't believe you did it again - you NEVER help me clean the house! You make me feel like a servant and I'm sick of you not pitching in! 

Partner B: I just came home and sat down for 2 minutes - you are always yelling at me about something I didn't do! All you do is nag me! 

Partner A: Are you serious? I'm drowning in housework and I need your help! 

Partner B: shakes head and looks away, completely disengaging

Partner A: continues angrily mumbling before the tears start 

Ok, so there is A LOT to unpack here, but I'll give you the basics. First, instead of a soft start up, Partner A immediately jumped into blaming, criticizing, and accusing, which are relationship killers. Second, Partner B instantly became defensive. Yes, Partner B was definitely under attack; however, they didn't stop to examine WHY their partner was upset. Instead, Partner B not only disengaged, but invalidated their partner. As a result, both partners are unhappy, disconnected, and this pattern of interaction will likely continue. 

But . . . it doesn't have to be like this.

Here's how Partner A and Partner B engage after I helped them learn healthier ways of interacting: 

Partner A: Hey, I know you just got home, but there is something I really want to talk about with you. 

Partner B: Yeah, I did have a long day, but I want to hear about what's bothering you. Let's talk now. 

Partner A: Ok, well lately I feel overwhelmed with all the household tasks. I've noticed I'm starting to feel resentful and angry. 

Partner B: Geez, that must not feel good. What do you need from me? 

Partner A: I feel resentful because I am doing too much, which leads to me feeling burnt out. I would like for you to start by loading the dishwasher after dinner. Just that one small task would help me so much. 

Partner B: I don't want you to feel resentful - I am so appreciative of all you do. I can definitely pitch in a lot more, especially in the kitchen. Thanks for letting me know. 

I mean, talk about a HUGE difference in communicating, right? Partner A was calm, even though they were feeling very hurt and upset. Partner A used a soft start up by approaching Partner B and checking in to see if they could talk. Notice that Partner A didn't start blaming, accusing, or criticizing. Instead, Partner A owned those feelings and clearly communicated them. As a result, Partner B was WAY more receptive. Because Partner B wasn't being blamed, accused, or criticized, they were able to actually hear what their partner was saying. Instead of becoming defensive, Partner B leaned into Partner A and not only offered validation, but also offered help. 

This isn't a fairytale. Couples learn these skills every day, and so can you! If you're curious about working with me for couples counseling, check out the couples services I offer: Laura's Services for Couples

Still have questions? Get in touch: Contact Laura 

A New Beginning

The Beginning of a Better Year

Well folks, we made it. I know 2024 had its ups and downs, but this year . . . this year is going to be better!

I know a lot of people like to make New Years Resolutions, which is great! Let's just make sure we set realistic and sustainable mental health goals. Can we make a commitment to offer ourselves self-compassion when progress is slow? I think it's in our nature to want to see the positive effects of change immediately. When we don't, we start to feel discouraged, like we want to give up. Remember: change happens slowly and purposefully, in the small but consistent ways that support positive change. Don't forget to celebrate those wins! It helps keep you motivated so you can maintain that momentum and reach your goals. 

The best types of goals are SMART goals. These types of goals are specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and time-bound. Do you need help setting a SMART goal? Check out this planning tool: SMART Goal Worksheet. Do you need help staying consistent and being held accountable? Does it ever feel like procrastination or perfectionism hinder your progress? Let's connect: talk to Laura. 

Walk & Talk Therapy

Coming Soon to Mountain Home, Idaho - Walk & Talk Therapy! 

As we look forward to the warmer months, I'm thrilled to announce a new service: Walk & Talk Therapy - a unique, nature-integrated approach to counseling. Instead of meeting virtually, we’ll take our sessions outdoors, enjoying the beauty of Mountain Home. During these sessions, we’ll walk side by side, creating a more relaxed environment to explore your thoughts, feelings, and goals.

Benefits of Walk & Talk Therapy: 

1. Enhanced Relaxation & Comfort

Walking outdoors can feel less intimidating than talking face to face virtually, as encouraging openness and ease during our conversations.

2. Boosted Mood and Energy

Movement and fresh air naturally elevate mood, reduce stress, and improve energy levels—creating a positive foundation for personal growth.

3. Mind-Body Connection

Physical activity while engaging in therapy promotes a sense of balance and can deepen emotional insight.

4. Improved Focus and Clarity

The rhythmic motion of walking can help calm the mind, making it easier to process emotions and generate solutions.

5. Connection with Nature

Being outdoors can ground us, providing a soothing backdrop that enhances the therapeutic process.

6. Physical Health Benefits

Walking is great for your body, supporting cardiovascular health and reducing physical tension, which often aligns with emotional well-being.

If Walk & Talk Therapy sounds like the perfect fit for you, let's talk about it! I'll review logistics, ethical considerations, and any questions you may have. 

Take the first step—literally—toward a healthier, more balanced you! 

Contact Laura